I am here!

Well, today we are one day closer to Cali's doctor's appointment. All of her paperwork is filled out, her teachers have been notified that she will miss most of the day and yesterday I picked up her x-rays. I wasn't sure I wanted to see them. You know me, I live in this fantasy world of if I don't look at them, they won't really show that she has a curve in her spine. But I did look at them and while it was disturbing to see, I'm glad I did. I feel like I needed today to mentally prepare for tomorrow...and we have no idea what to expect tomorrow.


So today, I'm taking some time to clean and just think. The funny thing about this bird is that for awhile the birds have been gone (probably because I haven't been feeding them). But I love and I mean LOVE the blue jays. They amaze me with their beauty. I don't like birds, I'm not a bird watcher but these blue birds mesmerize me. Well, this morning I made a play list of some of my favorite songs on Itunes. I was just puttering around in the kitchen and one song caught me off guard and brought the tears out. So I look out the window, tears are streaming down my cheeks and here come, not one, not two, but three blue jays. They just sat in the tree and looked in at me. It was as if they were saying, "we understand". And maybe they did understand. After all, a squirrel had just busted open the cage holding the seed and robbed them of all of their joy.

It was at that moment that I "heard" God whisper, "I am here for you...I understand your fears, I won't leave you, I won't leave Cali, I will take care of your dad. Trust me." It was so reassuring.

I put a song on my play list that Cali has been listening to and belting out lately. It's called Never Alone by the Barlow Girls. Part of it says,
And though I can not see you
And I can't explain why
Such a deep, deep reassurance
You've placed in my life

It's that deep reassurance that I will fall back on. I have to. No matter how hard this is or how painful this is, I know I have to trust. I have to rely on that faith that has gotten me to this point.