What is Going On?

I woke up at 4am in a panic. 

What in the world is going on?  What am I doing?  Is this real?  Are we doing the right thing?

All of a sudden life seemed to be spinning VERY much out of control!

Yesterday I moved Cali's surgery up from May 21st to March 12.

March 12th!!!!  That's like 19 days from today.  YIKES!

Of course everything seems worse at 4 am but all of these thoughts and things that I need to do came pouring into my mind causing it to race.

I'm so thankful for today which is Wednesday.  I have nothing on my schedule and I can get everything, well maybe not everything, but a lot of the things that were racing through my mind done.  In fact, it's 10am and I have already gotten a lot of it done.  I have notified her swim coach, I have sent an email to her teachers and I have called to get the ball rolling for her bloodwork.

Now if only my laundry would do itself and someone would go grocery shopping for me, I could take a nap to get back the sleep I lost tossing and turning over that stuff.

I still feel like I am in a haze though.  I was so over this.  I had given it to God and now all of the sudden I picture my baby girl lying on the operating table for four hours.  And for what?  And I know all the answers to the questions but it doesn't mean I don't question.  It doesn't mean I understand. 

Tell me we live in a sin fallen world.  I know that.  Tell me God will work this for good.  I know that.  It doesn't mean it makes sense to me.  It doesn't mean I like it.    I would take it from her in a heartbeat. 

I was thinking today that someone once said that if you are not in a trial then you have either just left one or are about to go into another one.  So true.

Another thing is, don't miss what God wants to teach you through this trial.

Wow! 

I think back to where I was and how I was.  I was just coasting.  I was just mediocre.  I had lost my fire, my passion.  God got a hold of me through this and I never let go!  I truly believe that He will get you where He wants you in His timing and in His way.  We may not like it or understand, but it's best to just go with it and surrender because it's just going to be a battle otherwise.

Am I saying that God gave Cali scoliosis to punish me for my lack of fire?  No.  I think we do live in a sin fallen world and things happen.  Illnesses happen.  Scoliosis happens.  But I do think that when we respond in faith and obedience then the trial seems so much more bearable.  Like, I don't see how people go through hard times without God.  Well, I have seen how they do and it's not good.  There is no way we could get though this without understanding how God works.

Enough of the rambling.  Time to get going on the laundry:)